Sunday, September 18, 2005 AD
"Blow your top" or "break their wills"?
As the parent of two lively (but lovely) boys - see our holiday photos, just posted on my Flickr account (though taken by my wife, who is the talented one round here), for visual confirmation of that statement - I found Chris Atwood's thoughts on child-rearing tremendously encouraging:
The message of books like Doug Wilson's Standing on the Promises seems to boil down to: "Do this and they shall live". In other words, follow the rules and your child's salvation is assured, and if your child backslides then it's all your fault. Erm, is that right, Doug? Whatever.
I remember reading one article in which a respected Reformed pastor recommended that churches should have a separate room set aside for young children: not as a creche, but as a place to which parents could take their children to give them a good spanking if they fail to keep quiet and still during the service. (I wonder if it would be soundproofed? Or perhaps you could just have Ode to Joy playing on a continuous loop at high volume to drown out the screams. And the newspaper headlines kind of write themselves, don't they?)
No doubt Wesley would regard this as the worst sort of milk-and-water child-coddling (just a "spanking"?), but that was a bit much even for a "pro-smacker" like myself.
I've seen a lot of Reformed types (used in the real sense, Presbyterians, particular Baptists, etc.) push a model of parenting that stresses punishment according to strict rules without display of anger.While there would certainly be dangers in setting this up as a general principle of parenting - if detached from Chris's emphasis on following God's example, or in the hands of the wrong sort of parent, then it could easily turn into a caprice bordering on emotional abuse - I certainly find it preferable to the approach advocated by John Wesley (warning: persons of a sensitive disposition, or who have any admiration for John Wesley, should look away now):
But that's not how I see God disciplining His people in Scripture. There, He's pretty lax for a while, lets His people take a mile when given an inch, until suddenly He blows up and gets really furious. But when the kids repent, He's all over them in hugs and kisses. I'm Biblical enough to believe this model of child-rearing rather than "every punishment exactly proportionate to the offense" type. And I think it works better.
Break their wills betimes; begin this great work before they can run alone, before they can speak plain, or perhaps speak at all. Whatever pains it cost, conquer their stubbornness: break the will, if you would not damn the child. I conjure you not to neglect, not to delay this!Mercifully, I've not come across any modern Christians promoting anything quite so horrific as this, but I certainly have come across the "Reformed types" to which Chris refers. One reason why I found Chris's words so helpful is that they helped dispel some of the lingering after effects of having read too many books and articles on "covenant faithfulness" in parenting during my Reformed days.
Therefore, (1.) Let a child, from a year old, be taught to fear the rod and to cry softly. In order to this, (2.) Let him have nothing he cries for; absolutely nothing, great or small; else you undo your own work. (3.) At all events, from that age, make him do as he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it. Let none persuade you it is cruelty to do this; it is cruelty not to do it. Break his will now, and his soul will live, and he will probably bless you to all eternity.
The message of books like Doug Wilson's Standing on the Promises seems to boil down to: "Do this and they shall live". In other words, follow the rules and your child's salvation is assured, and if your child backslides then it's all your fault. Erm, is that right, Doug? Whatever.
I remember reading one article in which a respected Reformed pastor recommended that churches should have a separate room set aside for young children: not as a creche, but as a place to which parents could take their children to give them a good spanking if they fail to keep quiet and still during the service. (I wonder if it would be soundproofed? Or perhaps you could just have Ode to Joy playing on a continuous loop at high volume to drown out the screams. And the newspaper headlines kind of write themselves, don't they?)
No doubt Wesley would regard this as the worst sort of milk-and-water child-coddling (just a "spanking"?), but that was a bit much even for a "pro-smacker" like myself.
