Confessing Evangelical

Somehow, this book failed to make the cut on either of my book lists: that "Memorable History of England", 1066 And All That, by WC Sellar & RJ Yeatman.

One of my favourite sections deals with the Wave of Justifiable Wars fought in the 19th century in an attempt to amuse Queen "We are not amused" Victoria. Living as we do in another age of Justifiable Wars, some of this makes for quite topical reading. My own personal favourites are Burma, and the two phases of the war with Abyssinia:

1. War with China. Fought on moral grounds, because the Chinese government were disposed to impede the importation of Empire Opium into China. The British thus became indispensable to the Chinese and, after several bloody engagements, Hong Kong, the best port of China, was ceded to the British Throne.
   


2. War with Afghanistan. Owing to the size, direction, etc., of Russia, it was imperative that the King of Afghanistan, whose name was Just Mohammed, should sit on his throne in a friendly attitude. The King, however, (Just) declined to do this and the British Army was cut to pieces in the Pippa Passes to such an extent that Dr Brydle rode half alive (or, according to some historians, half dead) into Jahallaballad. After this, however, several bloody battles were fought, and the Kings of Afghanistan were compelled to sit in a more friendly attitude.
   


3. 2nd Burmese War. Cause: there had only been one Burmese War. Burmese cut to pieces. Burma ceded to the Crown. Peace with Burma.
   


4. War against Abyssinia. Object: to release the Europeans in Abyssinia, all of whom had been incarcerated by the King Theodore, who was a Christian and would not see their point of view. The war was divided into two parts. (1) Sir Robert Rapier demands release of prisoners. Prisoners released. (2) War declared against Abyssinia. King Theodore blown up with Magnesia, the capital of Abyssinia. Theodore commits suicide. Sir Robert becomes Lord Rapier of Magnesia. Peace with Abyssinia.
   


5. War against Zulus. Cause: the Zulus. Zulus exterminated. Peace with Zulus.

However, these wars failed to achieve their end of amusing the Crown, so something new was called for:

All these attempts having failed, news was brought to the Queen that the Fiji Islands were annexed to the British "by the desire of the inhabitants". At this point, according to some (seditious) historians, Her Majesty's lip was observed to tremble.